One Foot in the Grave
by PoisoningPigeonsinthePark
Summary: Death has dealt two severe blows to Camelot already... and Gaius is wondering who might be next? More importantly, he's wondering why, whenever he asks that question, everybody looks at him...


**A/N: This is crack and not intended to be taken seriously. I would also like to make it very clear that I _love_ both Gaius and his alter ego Mr Richard Wilson the eyebrowmaster. Hope you like it :)**

"That was close," Merlin observed, exhaling into his mulch-coloured soup and accidentally blowing a droplet of it up onto the end of his nose.

"It was," Gaius agreed, sizing the bench beneath him up and very slowly lowering himself down onto it. "Next time, perhaps you could remember to throw the potion _before_ the monster notices you."

Merlin grinned impishly midway through trying to lick the spot of soup off his nose. "I'll do that."

Gaius rolled his eyes, raised his spoon to his lips, and then frowned. "Just what are you doing?"

"Trying to touch my nose with my tongue…" Merlin mumbled through a mouthful of stuck-out tongue, with his eyes crossed as he stared long and hard at his snout.

Gaius decided he didn't care.

They sat in companionable silence for a good minute or two, as Merlin eventually grew dizzy and gave up, wiping his nose with his sleeve instead, until Gaius voiced something that had been on his mind for some time.

"It's strange, isn't it?"

"What's strange? Ah! That's hot!" Merlin spat his mouthful of soup back into his bowl and looked mistrustfully at it.

Gaius looked scathingly at him. "It's strange that two people so close to us should die in such a short space of time…"

Merlin looked at him blankly and then sipped some soup.

"Uther and Lancelot; don't you think it's strange that one should die so soon after the other?"

"Not really," Merlin replied, with his mouth full. "There are horrid deaths in Camelot all the time; every week, actually. It's a wonder people keep moving here. Not that it isn't sad…" he trailed off, looking misty-eyed.

"Well I have a bad feeling about it; I think it means something."

"Like what?"

"I think that someone else might die soon."

"Who?"

Gaius leaned in across the dinner table. "That's just the question, my boy: who? Who do we know who might die soon?"

Merlin paused to look thoughtful for a moment, his eyes drifting lazily towards a patch of mould on the ceiling before suddenly alighting with an answer. He turned to look towards Gaius guiltily, maintaining awkward eye contact for a few seconds, before returning to his soup.

"What?" demanded Gaius.

"Nothing," Merlin replied, too innocently.

**.**

"Ah! Guinevere… Just the girl I was looking for…" Gaius smiled and plodded across the lush, squashy grass of the graveyard path.

The girl in question sniffled, wiped her nose and eyes and smiled weakly. "How can I help you, Gaius?"

"Well… I was wondering… Do you think it strange that both Lancelot and Uther should have died within such a short space of time?"

At this the poor, flowery little creature burst into a fit of tears that she took a good five minutes to recover from.

Gaius was rather taken aback, as he hadn't known Gwen had become so attached to Uther while she'd been nursing him, and therefore wasn't expecting quite such an outburst.

"There, there," he murmured, patting her. "It's alright… Uther would have been very touched that you're so… _distressed_… over his passing…"

Gwen sniffled and nodded her head, not bothering to correct his rather enormous mistake. "What… what did you want, Gaius?"

"Well, it's just… just that, you see…" Gaius fidgeted, not wanting to set her off again. "Do you suppose someone else we know might die soon? Only… it's been on my mind for some time now… and I should just like to have it set to rest."

Gwen looked straight up at him through her red-rimmed eyes, with something that could only be called guilt reflected in her irises. Then she blinked, once, and scurried off in tears.

Gaius watched her go, utterly bemused. "Was it something I said?"

**.**

Gaius was standing in a corner as Arthur conducted his Incredibly Important Meeting, shaking his head to himself and wondering what the common denominator was in all his recent conversations with people that seemed to make them stare at him, and then walk off; every time he asked them that one question, it always led to an awkward silence.

He just didn't understand why…

"And that just about rounds off everything I wanted to say…" Arthur smiled warmly at everyone gathered around the table, reserving the brightest grin of all for his Uncle Agravaine, who Gaius had to resist the urge to stick his tongue out at. "Unless anyone else has anything they wanted to mention?"

Gaius coughed. "Actually, Sire…"

Arthur raised a hand, signalling for him to continue.

"I was wondering… Does anyone else find the deaths of two senior members of court so close together suspicious? I am referring, of course, to Sir Lancelot and… Uther…"

At the mention of the old King's name the entire court tensed, and Arthur's lower lip began to tremble.

"What do you mean by this, Gaius?" demanded Agravaine.

"I just have a feeling about it… There is not another member of the court we might be expecting to lose soon, is there?"

With guilt-stricken faces, one by one, they all swivelled to look up at him.

"What? Why does everyone keep looking at me?"

Geoffrey of Monmouth coughed and turned a little red.

Suddenly, Gaius figured it out, and felt like a little bit of a wally for not realising it sooner. "You… You think I'm… Me!" spluttered the physician indignantly, his eyebrows practically dancing the samba as they wiggled around. "He's more likely to go next than me!" he insisted, jabbing a finger at Geoffrey. "Look at the size of him! All he does is sit around all day in that stupid library eating pies! I'm not having this…"

Nobody said anything. Gwaine looked like he was trying not to laugh.

Scowling, Gaius stalked off and chuntered to himself.

"How dare they?" he demanded of himself, consciously quickening his pace beyond his usual doddle as he made his way down the corridor. "I'm as fit as a fiddle! Why I'm about as likely to die as… as she is!" he shouted, flinging his arm out to point at a passing maid who was coming up the stairs, accidentally sending her crashing all the way down to the bottom.

"Oops."

Standing over the crumpled figure of some random kitchen maid, Gaius sighed. "Well there's nothing I can do for her now." Looking around to check no one had seen, he stepped over her and continued on his way.

_Did that count as the death of a significant member of court? Oh well. It was good enough._

Gaius whistled and felt a great burden lifted off his shoulders. They did say these things came in threes, after all. And just like that, his day got much better…


End file.
